16 September, 2009
When we learn something new or become aware of an idea, it seems that we see it everywhere. The same is said for being tested. Once we realize a new level of understanding, it seems there are challenges thrown in our way to test that knowledge.
Finances have been challenging for me in the past. Growing up poor and without many of the things my friends had, I learned from a young age that money controlled a lot of how we lived. I can remember hearing my parents struggles year after year. If they could afford private schooling for us, if the financial aid package would cover it, or if they were able to buy holiday presents. Lack of funds affected their purchases and how I was raised for certain.
As I grew, I knew I didn't want to be poor. I didn't want to always have a hand me down couch. I wanted to be able to buy what I wanted when I wanted it. At one point in my life, I was able to do that for the most part.
Then the responsibilities came and money became a must have goal again and I felt that familiar squeeze. The battle I had with money came back and I struggled to find any redeamable qualities.
In the past year, I came to a place of realization for me. Money is money and the emotion I attach to it is my issue. It really doesn't matter if the emotion is there or not, because the money just is. So what I can do is take away the emotion and at least live a freer life, without the stress of it all. I would like to claim victory over this battle, but well, there are slip ups.
Recently, I have been challenged again. A business venture, gone sour, finally came to a close. The money invested is far more than the money gained, so a loss had to be dealt with, emotionally. I had to come to terms with the idea that we will not recoup that money and it is what it is. I did truly get there. I let it all go and I felt okay about it. Of course we want everything we do to be great and feel confident about our choices, but sometimes there are factors beyond our control that get in the way. Reality is we can not control all the factors and there will always be unknowns.
So here I am, feeling that I am getting closer finding peace in this struggle, then a bomb is dropped. From this business deal, something awful happened, but if I kept my insurance, I stood to gain some of my investment back. Here is the kicker... I canceled the insurance 2 months ago, due to lack of funds! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Really? Why didn't' this happen when I was insured? Why did it have to wait? Is this part of the test, to see how I would handle it?
This event happened 2 days ago. Today I am just in disbelief that I am here, in the financial hole. I breathe through it and try to just move on. Don't dwell on the negative. Yes I get it. and I am here to say I am trying my darnedest to move on. Lord knows, I want to MOVE on!
We all have our struggles. We all have our tests, hopefully we all move onto greener pastures!