The past month or so, I have been going through some major changes in terms of energy and expectations. Maybe even outlooks and goals could be added to what has been progressing.
Since the "flood", internal changes have come about and I was reminded to stay true to my inner heart's desire. I know what is good for me and I know what goes against my grain, so to speak.
Things that have been under construction of late are living conditions, relationships, schooling, parenting, and physical maintenance. I realize that today, I am unable to change the location of where we live, but I also recognize that this living arrangement is temporary and I shouldn' become complacent. A while back I found myself thinking this could work. We could just set up shop here in South Florida and be done with it. But this isn't where we are supposed to be long term. For now, it works and we are blessed in so many ways to have made this move. But this isn't the final stop for us. There will be many other stops along the way and we as a family need to be open to that.
Relationships have been building, reshaping and in question. This I think is true for us all at certain times in our lives. I personally, have been challenged with certain people and in the end, the lesson was for me to learn. It isn't the other person's actions that I am happy or unhappy with, it is with my action that I need to examine. Afterall, I am the one that engages back and is ultimately responsible for my actions. I learned that I need to just be true to myself. No matter what the degree of the relationship, long term, short, family or friend. A good many lessons were learned and I appreciate the growth from each of these opportunities.
Schooling has been challenging as well. L and I have been at each other's throats and it is so defeating to feel this helpless. I want to give him the best I am able. I know what my options are around me and homeschooling is the best, if I am at my best. Truth is, I have not been at my best and again, it isn't about L, it really is about me. I have to rethink what school or the goal of schooling is. I need to rethink my role as educator. I need to rethink what homeschool can be for my family. I am grateful to some dear friends for sharing their experiences and letting me know I am not alone in this struggle. There are times where we question, doubt and feel helpless to provide our child's need. But the one thing I have above all else, is that I am L's mom. I do know him better than anyone. (Gosh that brings tears to my eyes...) Yes I know him. He is a wonderfully bright child with so much love and light in his heart. I need to allow his inner sense to shine through and become what he was meant to become. He choose me to be his mother for a reason and in accepting this gift is what I need to remind me of.
Parenting goes hand in hand with the above topic. In light of being the educator, I am the parent. Learning where to draw those lines or blend those lines is my current challenge. I am grateful again to inspiration I find around me. SoulMama is a wonderful place that inspires me daily. I enjoy reading from her and other great women spirits that find their rhythems at home with their children.
Physical maintence... yes exercise, feeling fit and loving my body. Body image was soemthign I was aware of, but didn't really focus on because for the most part I didn't have to. I still don't in many ways need to feel out of place for how I look. But I know I can do better to honor this gift of human form. I know what to do and how to do it, I just need to start. I have started here and there, but also I have taken another approach to acceptance. I do love who I am and what I am. This is critical to the physical nature in each of us.
Life is in progress and I am getting in gear, because I feel the new cycle coming soon. Internally, my body yearns for 2010 in a strange way. I feel greatness around the corner and there are preparations in need of making. Not all life is about being present, even though we need to acknowledge the moment. But we are in our journeys, and making plans along the way are also important. So preparations are being made for 2010. As well as reflections on 2009.