08 March, 2010

Letting Go

How does one let go of things we hold onto for long periods of time?  Here is a list of things my family is letting go of this week....

Weight, Toxins - happy to report via stress and a proper cleanse, I am letting go of 14 pounds!  YEAH, I have been carrying around this weight ever since a miscarriage fall of 2007.  It could have been hormones, disappointment, circumstances, the move to Florida or just plain laziness, but I kicked into gear and let it go.  I feel and look great, even though I would love to be firmer and a bit more tone, I will take this achievement gladly!

Preconceived Notions - we all have them, hopes, dreams, desires, etc.  I find mystikman reconsidering a move back to Ohio.  Not that there is any movement on the job front, but a simple application submitted, but the fact that he willingly accepted the idea and let go of his never again attitude.

Control - yes we all have to learn to give this up don't we?  Control is a tricky thing to find balance with.  We need to control our inner self, but we need to let go of controlling tendencies that hinder our growth.  We are learning to let go of the Career Paths, Health Issues, Parenting Dilemmas and just letting things unfold as they must.  After all, we are here to be on a journey and the journey is the life we live. 

Anger, Past Debts - today or certainly this week, my grandparents will receive a letter of forgiveness from me.  I have never said it out loud, but finally I have come to the place where I can say "I forgive you".  Yes I forgive them all their actions that caused me pain, frustration, anger, defensive tendencies and difficulty.  They were not the perpetrators of my childhood sexual abuse, but they did create an environment of deceit, lies and turmoil.  They challenged my parents, broke me down, made me feel not wanted or good enough or not worthy as my cousin.  A child should never have to explain their religion at the age of 6 or have to hear "You are lucky, God didn't kill you, but killed your sister for your parents marriage", at the age of 4.  The horrors I witnessed at their hands, in so many ways, eclipsed the abuse I suffered from their daughters.  Manipulation, control, religious bribery it is all abuse when it is put upon a child.  Yes I forgive them, wish them well and hope they have the strength to lead them to their creator.  I have moved on and let it go.

Loved Ones  - mystikman's uncle is on his death bed, literally.  The last year he was battling lung cancer.  Unfortunately his constitution is not one of survival or fight.  It seems the cancer was too powerful and he allowed it to overtake him.  I am certain this was an agreement he made prior to his birth.  Karmicly, it is all fitting, but sad to witness.  The family that is left to support this withering man is fragmented, shaken, battered and bruised.  I witness the tears from mystikman and my heart saddens.  Then I hear the prayers my boys offer to the Creator and my heart is warmed.  The hugs are given when L cries for his uncle.  I know death, I know it well.  It brings a challenge to the living.  It challenges us to find the courage to continue, the strength to smile and the drive to make new memories.  We are learning to let go of loved ones, so they may find the peace they need. 

This is a true life lesson and one I am so glad my boys are learning in this manner.  I learned this with my sister and I have to tell you, it still hurts to remember the events surrounding her death.  I recall years later still wanting her around.  I was 4.  I was young and it was painful to see my baby sister so still why all the adults wept.  My own mother was wrapped into her grief when my sister passed, understandably so.  My memories of that time, were feeling lonely and I withdrew.  I tried to see her every night in my dreams and that is what held me. 

The saving grace for my boys is they spent a lovely summer in 2008 with their uncle and made memories.  They brought joy to his life and he was thrilled to meet them and know their precious personalities.  My boys will not attend the funeral, as we will not be able to make the trip to New York.  I count that as another blessing, as they can grieve on their own and not have all the visions of others' grief.  It will be organic and theirs.  I am here to hold them and comfort them and I am honored to carry them through this life lesson gently with love and understanding.

Then there is mystikman and his grief.  I don't know what to expect, so I leave it open to him.  I am here for him certainly.  I am always here for him.

Letting go can be difficult, necessary and liberating!  We all should let go more as it allows the spirit to flow in easily.  

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