02 April, 2010

When they disobey again and again..

My oldest, L, has been making the wrong choices all day.  When he is supposed to focus on one task, a task he has been performing for over a year, he is distracted, not once, but several times.  When I take away a toy, requiring him to earn it back, he still finds a way to not listen, and becomes distracted again and again.

He has this tendency to push all of my buttons, truly all of them.  Both of them are not allowed to play with mystikman's ipod or his phone.  Again and again we tell them there will be consequences to playing with these items.

A day that L has been on my very last nerve, instead of practicing his piano, he was hiding, playing his father's phone.  I am beyond what to do.  We take away privileges, we take away toys, we threaten to take more away, I ask him what is he going to do in order to make it up... NOTHING WORKS!

I am so disappointed in him and me.  I am beyond anger at this point.  I don't understand why he continues to make bad choices, time and time again.  I mean really, what is it?

When I was little I never wanted to be punished, as it meant the wooden paddle.  That was enough of a deterrent for me.  Not spanking in this house is such a challenge and I admit I slip now and then.  But I don't get it.  I don't understand why he continues to do things he knows will get him in trouble.

Today I took away a toy, had him figure out what he will do for me, took away another privilege of having a friend over, then took away the privilege to set up for Easter.  Just now I put some of his lesser toys in the garbage and growled my neck into soreness.  I am fed up with his choices, really fed up.  I ask kindly, I show him, I remind him to be focused... keep his nose in his own business and focus.  I am just so fed up.

Any suggestions out there?


Ally said...

How many positive choices does he have in a day? So much of this sounds like a battle over control. does he feel like he is in control over his days or is he told to do things only?

MystikMomma said...

Yes good point. He does have choices about certain things. There was the opportunity to set up Easter, go to the park, play with a friend on the beach, mind you all today! We even had pizza for dinner his all time favorite. Alas, none of it worked and when Mystikman came home, it got worse. A couple of his favorite toys were put in the garbage, down the garbage shoot. I didn't think that was necessary, as L was already punished, but Mystikman wanted to also prove a point. Ugh, the struggle to raise my very independent minded child continues.

Isle Dance said...

I can't remember where I saw this, but there was a discussion the parents had with the children, and a chart, that showed the consequences to behavior. The child chooses the behavior and knows ahead of time what the consequence/s will be and the parent calmly follows through. No argument. No confusion. (I didn't say no tantrum, but...no argument, for sure, as the parent calmly follows through.) I'd look for the expert who created this and see how it was done. Very fair, especially since little brains cannot be fully developed for years and they tend to thrive on a solid foundation of consistent predictability. Hear. See. Do.

Anonymous said...

Meh, I don't know A, with our girl, looking at her harshly is enough to send her into tears and she starts acting the way she should. With the boy? Not so much. While I can respect your decision for the 'no spanking', what I've noticed in this house is that my wife and mother in law have trouble with him listening, I don't really have as much trouble. The difference between us? I'll give him a swift swat on the fundament if he doesn't listen to me. He reminds me a lot of what I was probably like as a kid...and those soft conversations of consequences didn't really make a dent in me. The wooden spoon sure did though! :)

On another note, one thing I do try and do is make sure I know WHY I'm not letting them do something. Is there a real good reason for it, or just because something is mine, or even just expensive? So the kids can play with the phones, iPods, and dozens of other electronic toys we have around, they just can't do it without one of us there with them. That takes the "forbidden" nature of the object away, and makes it a bit less desirable. Good luck!