Tears of Release

My aunt's father in law passed away this past week. I did know him well enough through the years and find it strange to know he is no longer here. As I reflected, I sent an email of caring to my aunt and her family, which is followed up by a card and a joint family gifting.

In the email, I tried to give words of comfort, love and honor. Even though we try to lift up those who are sad, it is also important to recognize the pain and allow it to be. We have to suffer in order to be released from it later on. Some quote I read a couple of days ago.

I also found myself tearing up as I remembered those who have passed on. It always hurts I find, no matter how the passing occurred. Even though I believe and know there is an after life of peace and joy and love, much love, it still hurts to know the incarnation that was their life will no longer be able to interact on the same level with me anymore. I think this is really why the tears come and the pain lingers. We long for those moments of connection and to know our world is stable. When in the end, we have no control over most things and death is part of life. NO matter how long the life was or how short.

When the time is ready, I will share my personal bout with death that I am experiencing now. The pain is real, the sadness comes and goes and hope thankfully is still there.

For now, I leave with Tears of Release. It helps to allow the emotions to flow out in order to make way for new emotions, hopefully those of laughter and joy!

Turning 3!

My littlest guy is 3 years old today. I look at him and think back to his debut, I am amazed at how much he has grown. I hold his little feet and gush at how wonderful he is and how blessed I am to be his mother. He is pulling away in his pursuit of independence, a sign of being 3, but also he is establishing himself. I applaud his efforts. No matter where he goes in life, he will always be my little guy.

Hugs to him and all others who share a birthday today.

Breaking Point?

What is the breaking point for people? I know it is different for everyone, but we all have a breaking point, right? I fear that I am at mine, but the Universe doesn't see it that way at all.

Yesterday, I was given some feared, but unexpected news about something in my life. As I took the time to process, I realized, yet again, I am in a holding pattern. Not only is my living situation, financial situation, my husband's career advancement etc all on hold, but now this! I mean one way or the other already! The hurdles are getting more personal and more emotional.

I have stripped away almost everything in my world, dissected it and realized what it is and what it is not. I have completely changed so many aspects of my life and feel it is a good time to start over again and get on with it. A Lady in Waiting....

I have never been this in the dark about my life before. That is not to say that I haven't had dark times, suffered greatly since a small child, but I have no idea of where to go to next. At least before I would know, that I was here for at least 4 months and then there in 6 months. Now I know nothing. I am here for the remainder of the month. Next month, depends on our financial situation. Our future, depends on all of it! Nothing is known, there is no light to even see a flicker right now. Darkness of unknowing and how much more am I to take?

How much suffering does a person need to experience before it ceases? Have I not suffered enough? I mean my childhood was no walk in the park on many levels, not just one. College years were filled with bad choices due in part to the childhood preparation and more suffering. Finally I was able to find some peace and learned how to be a better person for me. Then I started to help others, or at least try and lookie lookie here I am! More Suffering! At some point, it has to stop. I am not able to keep this up. I just want peace of mind, I want to feel grounded and know I am safe. I haven't had that ever so is it wrong to want that? Are we not allowed to pursue a better life, isn't that what we are taught to do, make the world a better place? All the religions, philosophy speaks to creating more harmony, ending suffering, bringing peace, loving thy neighbor etc. I want to do that! But in order to do that, can I have some space, peace and gentleness? Is this too much to want? Don't we all need some gentleness in our lives and for those who didn't have that much to begin with, can we get a little more, or at least can't we have any?

In a week or two one of my holdings will let go. I certainly hope the tides change and things progress from there.

You Gotta Have Friends....

What can I say? I love that song by Bette Midler. I am so grateful for my friends they truly help me stay on track and remind me of my sanity. Thank you for seeing my need and giving me a couple words of comfort!

Hugs

What a day!

I realized something about myself or better put, I am saying something about myself that I always knew. Even when I am down and out, I mean I am down and out today... I can be there for those in my life, to give a lift. It doesn't mean that I am trying to deflect my own pain, but that I am able to also think clearly and be a voice for those in my life. I also appreciate those who take the time to realize that I need a lift.