21 March, 2010

Hello Sweetie!

My youngest V, was playing the other day with his Lincoln Logs.  He has a set with some ranch people and horses.  I was on the computer maybe even posting here, or catching up on my Reader Page.  But I overheard him say, "Hello Sweetie, what do you want for breakfast?  Okay I will go make pancakes, sweetie". 

I stopped and smiled at his little imitation of what families do and how they interact with each other.  This must be how he thinks we are as a family, because it came out effortlessly. 

This week has been a major test of my desire to not yell and get enraged when the boys are not listening and goofing off.  So to hear my little guy being so "sweet" in his play, it made me think that things aren't as bad as I hear them in my head.  He is happy and very compassionate.

We are doing okay and raising boys that are able to express their emotions and feelings.  This is important to actualize as a human being.  We're doing good mystikman... we're doing good. 

20 March, 2010



February 4th was the day the nasty, mean, condescending, awful devil doctor told me he removed cancerous cells from my husband and then hung up on me when I asked what we could do to support his healthy naturally as well. 

That day, food was my enemy, along with said doctor.  I was so upset that food ruined my husband and afflicted him.  Everyone I saw that was obvioulsy in poor health, I wondered what their colons looked like... mystikman is thin, looks healthy and usually so easy going.  You never know what lies underneath our exteriors.

I started this battle with food, I would eat.  Then I would have something to just satisfy some nutritional content for the day. We started to eat all raw veggies, whole items, and the little processed foods that I did have in the house were not replenished. 

Then, I just had it, and I started to cleanse.  I usually cleanse twice a year, but it has been a year since my last cleanse, which wasn't so successful.  Prior to the Feb. 4th, I was at my heaviest without a baby in my belly.  I didn't really see how I looked, but I felt it.  I felt squishy and just too much, bloated and icky. 

This morning I put on clothes I haven't been able to snap, zip or close up in 3 years!  I am smaller now then when I moved down here!  It feels terrific and with this new focus on food, I feel more confident that I will be able to maintain my weight. 

We are eliminating sugar, flour, juices, most red meats and most processed foods.  I will be making my own yogurt, flour, and hopefully milk with almonds or hemp.  We are doing more veggies and soft grains.  If we all eat like this, then we should be able to maximize our nutritional content and minimize the weight of empty calories that just hang on making you feel gross and squishy!

Now to get my body stronger... I need to exercise.... that will be another challenge, another day. 

11 March, 2010


When you go home, what rules apply?

This weekend, mystikman applied to a job in Cleveland, Ohio.  2 years ago, we moved from Ohio to Florida.  As mystikman hates the snow, one cannot ride a motorcycle in the snow, I was surprised to see his excitement over this opportunity.  Equally surprising was my own attitude of discomfort.  I grew up south of Cleveland, went to college East of Cleveland and lived with mystikman in a close Cleveland Suburb.  I know this town and most of my family is still around the city. 

When we moved here, I came with little regrets.  I moved with mystikman willingly and actually looked forward to the break.  It was an opportunity for us to develop our family in the way we wanted to without any family commitments.  It was freedom to be who we are. 

Living on our Island Paradise, has posed some frustration from time to time, but we have carved out our life nicely here.  I knew this move was temporary and in a couple of years we would be making plans for the next adventure.  I guess I always thought the next adventure would be somewhere new, not a place I had been many times before. 

I am enjoying this freedom from family commitments.  No matter what happens, in the next couple of months, I must remain true to my ideals.  Even if I am only 30 mins, away, it doesn't mean I must engage just because.  I will make my own decisions and allow family time when it is something I choose to do.  I think this will work best for me and how we want to live our lives.

08 March, 2010

Letting Go

How does one let go of things we hold onto for long periods of time?  Here is a list of things my family is letting go of this week....

Weight, Toxins - happy to report via stress and a proper cleanse, I am letting go of 14 pounds!  YEAH, I have been carrying around this weight ever since a miscarriage fall of 2007.  It could have been hormones, disappointment, circumstances, the move to Florida or just plain laziness, but I kicked into gear and let it go.  I feel and look great, even though I would love to be firmer and a bit more tone, I will take this achievement gladly!

Preconceived Notions - we all have them, hopes, dreams, desires, etc.  I find mystikman reconsidering a move back to Ohio.  Not that there is any movement on the job front, but a simple application submitted, but the fact that he willingly accepted the idea and let go of his never again attitude.

Control - yes we all have to learn to give this up don't we?  Control is a tricky thing to find balance with.  We need to control our inner self, but we need to let go of controlling tendencies that hinder our growth.  We are learning to let go of the Career Paths, Health Issues, Parenting Dilemmas and just letting things unfold as they must.  After all, we are here to be on a journey and the journey is the life we live. 

Anger, Past Debts - today or certainly this week, my grandparents will receive a letter of forgiveness from me.  I have never said it out loud, but finally I have come to the place where I can say "I forgive you".  Yes I forgive them all their actions that caused me pain, frustration, anger, defensive tendencies and difficulty.  They were not the perpetrators of my childhood sexual abuse, but they did create an environment of deceit, lies and turmoil.  They challenged my parents, broke me down, made me feel not wanted or good enough or not worthy as my cousin.  A child should never have to explain their religion at the age of 6 or have to hear "You are lucky, God didn't kill you, but killed your sister for your parents marriage", at the age of 4.  The horrors I witnessed at their hands, in so many ways, eclipsed the abuse I suffered from their daughters.  Manipulation, control, religious bribery it is all abuse when it is put upon a child.  Yes I forgive them, wish them well and hope they have the strength to lead them to their creator.  I have moved on and let it go.

Loved Ones  - mystikman's uncle is on his death bed, literally.  The last year he was battling lung cancer.  Unfortunately his constitution is not one of survival or fight.  It seems the cancer was too powerful and he allowed it to overtake him.  I am certain this was an agreement he made prior to his birth.  Karmicly, it is all fitting, but sad to witness.  The family that is left to support this withering man is fragmented, shaken, battered and bruised.  I witness the tears from mystikman and my heart saddens.  Then I hear the prayers my boys offer to the Creator and my heart is warmed.  The hugs are given when L cries for his uncle.  I know death, I know it well.  It brings a challenge to the living.  It challenges us to find the courage to continue, the strength to smile and the drive to make new memories.  We are learning to let go of loved ones, so they may find the peace they need. 

This is a true life lesson and one I am so glad my boys are learning in this manner.  I learned this with my sister and I have to tell you, it still hurts to remember the events surrounding her death.  I recall years later still wanting her around.  I was 4.  I was young and it was painful to see my baby sister so still why all the adults wept.  My own mother was wrapped into her grief when my sister passed, understandably so.  My memories of that time, were feeling lonely and I withdrew.  I tried to see her every night in my dreams and that is what held me. 

The saving grace for my boys is they spent a lovely summer in 2008 with their uncle and made memories.  They brought joy to his life and he was thrilled to meet them and know their precious personalities.  My boys will not attend the funeral, as we will not be able to make the trip to New York.  I count that as another blessing, as they can grieve on their own and not have all the visions of others' grief.  It will be organic and theirs.  I am here to hold them and comfort them and I am honored to carry them through this life lesson gently with love and understanding.

Then there is mystikman and his grief.  I don't know what to expect, so I leave it open to him.  I am here for him certainly.  I am always here for him.

Letting go can be difficult, necessary and liberating!  We all should let go more as it allows the spirit to flow in easily.