26 September, 2007

Tears of Release

My aunt's father in law passed away this past week. I did know him well enough through the years and find it strange to know he is no longer here. As I reflected, I sent an email of caring to my aunt and her family, which is followed up by a card and a joint family gifting.

In the email, I tried to give words of comfort, love and honor. Even though we try to lift up those who are sad, it is also important to recognize the pain and allow it to be. We have to suffer in order to be released from it later on. Some quote I read a couple of days ago.

I also found myself tearing up as I remembered those who have passed on. It always hurts I find, no matter how the passing occurred. Even though I believe and know there is an after life of peace and joy and love, much love, it still hurts to know the incarnation that was their life will no longer be able to interact on the same level with me anymore. I think this is really why the tears come and the pain lingers. We long for those moments of connection and to know our world is stable. When in the end, we have no control over most things and death is part of life. NO matter how long the life was or how short.

When the time is ready, I will share my personal bout with death that I am experiencing now. The pain is real, the sadness comes and goes and hope thankfully is still there.

For now, I leave with Tears of Release. It helps to allow the emotions to flow out in order to make way for new emotions, hopefully those of laughter and joy!

24 September, 2007

Turning 3!

My littlest guy is 3 years old today. I look at him and think back to his debut, I am amazed at how much he has grown. I hold his little feet and gush at how wonderful he is and how blessed I am to be his mother. He is pulling away in his pursuit of independence, a sign of being 3, but also he is establishing himself. I applaud his efforts. No matter where he goes in life, he will always be my little guy.

Hugs to him and all others who share a birthday today.

21 September, 2007

Breaking Point?

What is the breaking point for people? I know it is different for everyone, but we all have a breaking point, right? I fear that I am at mine, but the Universe doesn't see it that way at all.

Yesterday, I was given some feared, but unexpected news about something in my life. As I took the time to process, I realized, yet again, I am in a holding pattern. Not only is my living situation, financial situation, my husband's career advancement etc all on hold, but now this! I mean one way or the other already! The hurdles are getting more personal and more emotional.

I have stripped away almost everything in my world, dissected it and realized what it is and what it is not. I have completely changed so many aspects of my life and feel it is a good time to start over again and get on with it. A Lady in Waiting....

I have never been this in the dark about my life before. That is not to say that I haven't had dark times, suffered greatly since a small child, but I have no idea of where to go to next. At least before I would know, that I was here for at least 4 months and then there in 6 months. Now I know nothing. I am here for the remainder of the month. Next month, depends on our financial situation. Our future, depends on all of it! Nothing is known, there is no light to even see a flicker right now. Darkness of unknowing and how much more am I to take?

How much suffering does a person need to experience before it ceases? Have I not suffered enough? I mean my childhood was no walk in the park on many levels, not just one. College years were filled with bad choices due in part to the childhood preparation and more suffering. Finally I was able to find some peace and learned how to be a better person for me. Then I started to help others, or at least try and lookie lookie here I am! More Suffering! At some point, it has to stop. I am not able to keep this up. I just want peace of mind, I want to feel grounded and know I am safe. I haven't had that ever so is it wrong to want that? Are we not allowed to pursue a better life, isn't that what we are taught to do, make the world a better place? All the religions, philosophy speaks to creating more harmony, ending suffering, bringing peace, loving thy neighbor etc. I want to do that! But in order to do that, can I have some space, peace and gentleness? Is this too much to want? Don't we all need some gentleness in our lives and for those who didn't have that much to begin with, can we get a little more, or at least can't we have any?

In a week or two one of my holdings will let go. I certainly hope the tides change and things progress from there.

20 September, 2007

You Gotta Have Friends....

What can I say? I love that song by Bette Midler. I am so grateful for my friends they truly help me stay on track and remind me of my sanity. Thank you for seeing my need and giving me a couple words of comfort!


19 September, 2007

What a day!

I realized something about myself or better put, I am saying something about myself that I always knew. Even when I am down and out, I mean I am down and out today... I can be there for those in my life, to give a lift. It doesn't mean that I am trying to deflect my own pain, but that I am able to also think clearly and be a voice for those in my life. I also appreciate those who take the time to realize that I need a lift.

Difficult Morning

My insides are quaking. I have had to deal with a couple of troubling events all before 11 am. and I am not certain how to proceed. I feel very alone and isolated and there is no hope. I am holing back the tears in order to put up a happy face for my boys. But reality is, nothing is really happy these days about our situation. I fear it all may come crashing in sooner than I expect.

Ever have this kind of moment, shear fear of not being able to get out?

Letting go of a dream

Do you ever have those dreams that grab you and leave you with a feeling of unease? I had one such dream and it was very scary. It involved a past love, who was very different from me. He found me and acted as if he needed to eliminate me in order to be free of his past. It was frightening! Finally, we were able to find reason and I appealed to his sense of compassion, telling him I was a mother now and I needed to be there for my children.

I wonder what this means in reality. Is he having a hard time with choices from his past? Is he thinking about me and are there regrets? I have thought about him from time to time, but I am grateful to have the family I have and to know the love between my husband and I has created 2 beautiful, lively children. I don't look back and have regrets about my past relationships. They helped define me as a woman in many ways and have helped me learn who I am in relationships as well as what I need.

Now the day will progress with trying to leave that feeling behind. Sometimes my dreams have a way of hanging around longer than I want.

18 September, 2007

Hunting, well sort of...

Job searching is such a pain in the rear. I think the problem is that the push to get a job is the thing that gets me. Every single job I ever had was a must do. I had to get the job, because I needed the money. Not that I wanted the job, or even liked the type of work it was. No, every job I ever had was because of a financial need.

Having had some time to not "work", I have been able to free myself of that guttural pain of working and answering to people who I don't find very intelligent. Now there have been a couple of shining stars in my career herstory, but mainly the others were average if that.

In light of our financial conundrum, I am forced to look again for work. Again, the financial need is forcing the search. It has been hard to concentrate on a job track, because there are many things I am able to do. A couple of themes are apparent on the resume, but truth be told, they are not things I enjoyed doing. What I enjoy doing, well, is not easy to find. When I have found the sort of job I would like to do, the requirements are not something found on my resume plainly. So the search or the hunt, has been very difficult and frustrating. Then I add the fact that I haven't been in the work world for 3 years and things have changed a bit, terminology, technology and such have progressed. I try to stay current, but not being in a particular field is hard to know what I am to stay abreast of.

The hunting is slow going and proving to be more work than it is worth. I fear, finding something I like is out of the question and the money factor will take over, meaning a job that I do well, as it is in my nature, but one I really don't want to be doing at all. UGH!

13 September, 2007

What's for Dinner?

In the spirit of "good" mothering..., we had pancakes for dinner. Not just your average ordinary ones though. They were Organic Buckwheat, blueberry, yogurt ones with pure maple syrup. A very hearty breakfast I would say. Not too mention the hormone free ham on the side. YUM!

More on Mothering

A friend responded to my mothering blog earlier and made a comment regarding how she as a working mother makes it work. After thinking it over I was even more disturbed by the TV Anchor Woman from NC. What really got me was the fact that this woman thought she was the epitome of working moms, what a slap in the face it was to all the working moms I know and others! I mean knowing each of the working moms in my life and how connected they are to their children, I was struck by how much more my working moms do and it really did hit a nerve for me. I wanted to call the station and say “Are you kidding”? I mean is this what you are putting out there for working motherhood? I was really taken back at how little she did for working motherhood. Not too mention I worked for the first two years of my son's life. I have been able to see this debate from both sides of the coin.

Working as a mother is a choice for some a necessity for others. Either way it is a true challenge to find a good balance and some days you get it right and others you don't. But the challenge is to always work towards getting it right; giving yourself completely to your children when you are there. It isn't just Quality, but more so being there and living life together, interacting on all levels of humanness.

Ah the debate continues and the discussions abound it seems for motherhood. Each day this week, there has been a piece on the Today show regarding mothers and their trials with weight, nutrition, sleep, exercise, beauty products, parenting etc.

Did anyone hear recently that the European Board of Food or (whatever they call themselves) made a statement that additives were not good for children and may lead to behavioral and weight problems? I watched the piece and about fell over! HELLO!!!!!! Of course the US is concerned now, mostly due in part they are forced to keep up with the European Community, to look into this problem. However, the FDA is not willing to make any statements at this time, but they are considering if additives are necessary and what cause they might have towards our children’s health. The Pediatrician they had on the TV segment, stated that as long as you feed your children a good balanced diet, then there is nothing to worry about, and of course fruits and vegetables are always a good option.

Again, I was struck by the fact, this pediatrician, was not willing to say the following: "A balanced diet consists of …. In whole amounts…. That are not processed…. That are not…. Just like food was intended to be". Are we that ignorant to how food was made to be, perfect in its natural state? Are we that scared to piss off the processed food giants for their votes etc? Well, again, I take a stand and maybe harsher than you might do for your family or not harsh enough, not sure. But I just find it ludicrous that so many in the US don’t even know what food is and how wonderful the process of growing, preparing and eating should be.

I want my children to know what a piece of sushi is, or what a zucchini is or a mushroom or a yellow squash. I want them to know what different types of fish are or what Bison is. I want them to know Farro (wheat berry) or warm rice cereal. They know what honey is and they know that sugar is not a good thing to eat. Am I perfect? Of course not, but I try and that is the testament I wish was prevalent in our society.

What is even more bothersome is the fact that our moms who are very busy; do rely on our government to help guide them. We shouldn’t have to read the ingredient label to decide if harmful High Fructose Corn Syrup is in the item. We should know this ingredient is harmful and our government would not want us to hurt ourselves long term. We should feel that shopping for our families is a safe endeavor and the pesticides that are used are natural and not laced with harmful chemicals which will eventually lead to diseases we are unaware of today, but will be rampant in 25 years. It is a shame our government is not wiling to create better nutrition for our families and it is a worse crime that we are afraid to speak out and educate our society on the harmful outcomes awaiting us.

I wish organic wasn’t seen as a luxury, it is a necessity! I wish local growers were rewarded by using natural methods. I wish our country understood that eating in season and locally is the way to go so we don’t have to force our crop production and loose valuable nutrients in our foods. Not too mention, local seasonal eating is also good for our bodies and the way in which it digests food. Rotation of crops should be standard. Ugh… why oh why is this a struggle to want good nutritious food in its natural state?

Also, I was in the grocery yesterday and looked at a soda that stated natural ingredients and I kid you not, High Fructose Corn Syrup was listed as the 4th ingredient! What? Are you kidding? This isn’t even processed by your digestive system proper! It has to be broken down by your liver, increasing the risk for diabetes to occur. Has any noticed the increase of childhood diabetes in the US?

For my European mom friend and other Europeans, this rant may sound foreign, as you have better access to whole foods, natural foods and your governments are more attuned to producing a great society built from within. Of course those of us who have traveled outside of the US to Europe also know the value of food placed in other countries and how this emphasis on nutrition is lacking here.

If you are concerned about the quality of your food in the US, you are most likely a part of a smaller community, one that is seen as hyper, or weird, or those health nuts. I don’t know how many times, people look at me as if I must be an alien when I stand up for my children and say they are not allowed to eat that. My children look healthy and have no known allergies so why are they not allowed to eat this… DUH! My children are healthy because they don’t eat that! They may suffer from the seasonal cold from winter to spring, but other than that, they are not sick. I have an illness possibly once or twice a year if that. I do believe part of their health is directly linked to the food I serve them and the care I take to offer them nutritious choices.

Again, it isn’t easy being a mom, no matter what “type” you are. We will never be enough, know enough or try hard enough it seems. But we can try our best, give our best and educate ourselves along the way. Tomorrow the discussion may lead down another path it may bring to light something none of us have thought about, but the greatness in being a good mom, in my opinion, is the desire to constantly improve the status quo for your children.

I also want to commend another mom and say that her blog on mommying is a true testament to always trying to be a better mom. She inspires me on many levels. I mean she made her own cloth diapers!!! (She is a working mom with a very high level demanding job, even). You GO WOMAN! What a great thing to do and it shows true commitment to our earth, our children’s health and being creative. Again, each of my mommy friends are fabulous mothers; I just wish that more of you were in the world than it seems I see on TV, or in my community. I feel so isolated and wish we could create a community built on strong values and commitments to quality, the true sense of the word!

Different Types of Mothers

I had an email exchange with a few of my mommy friends. After a couple of emails, it seemed as though it needed to be here on this blog. After all, I was rambling and as such I will ramble here and share with all....

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do very well matters very much."

- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

I was watching a morning show the other day and saw a journalist mother from NC talk about how successful she was to bridge the working and mothering gap. However in the piece, she never let her work go. She was on the couch with her laptop and blackberry while her two little girls were trying to engage her to read a book. As the piece when on she talked about finding the balance of mothering and working. She states that she takes her role seriously as a mother.

I was struck by how un-motherly she was. Then I thought about mothering and how there are different types of mothers. Then my idea generating mind took over as it always does and thought, I should write a book on the different mothering styles, or the different types of mommies. Because clearly this woman was not the same mother I am or the same as any of you in this attachment. I actually didn’t find her as a mother type at all.

Now hear me on this, I am not saying that a working mother is not a mother, but this particular woman, never stopped her work, to engage with her children as a plain old mom. Granted I only saw this one segment, but from her comments and video piece, I have a hard time believing that she did actually stop her work for anything. It was as if the children were there in her life as a status quo or just something that was expected. So she figured out how to fit them in.

For the mom in my life, I know that how ever you became pregnant, the idea of becoming a mother changed you. You actually accepted the position, wanted it and said, "Okay, I am a mom", and then let me see what else I might do along with it. There was real desire to be a mom.

After this piece I saw on the show, I did realize there are so many different types of mothers and we rarely make a distinction beyond stay at home, single or working. But clearly there are differences even amongst those groupings as well. As the intellect digs deeper, I wonder, pending the type of mother you are, or had, how does this prepare you as an adult? I would go out on a limb and say that each of us want the same thing for our children and we strive to put the necessary building blocks together for our children so they are actualized adults with heart, mind, body and soul. However, each of us are different mothers and will we achieve the same result? Are there ingredients to achieving the same result and are they accessible to each type of mother? In the end does it matter what type of mother you are to achieve the desired result? Of course I believe that it doesn’t matter to some extent… mind you I don’t think this woman in the piece gets motherhood yet, but still, what are those ingredients and wouldn’t it be a fascinating study to sort out?

11 September, 2007

9/11 Something Different

This morning, I was watching a popular morning show as I was eating my breakfast. There was live coverage of a memorial underway and my eldest son L, came to me and wanted to know who died. (He is very curios about death and what it means). I thought for a moment and then told him the following. "Before you were born, there were some very bad people, who made a very bad choice to hurt others. They wanted to kill a bunch of American's because they do not like them and are really bad people. They drove airplanes into buildings and blew them up. Everyone on the plane died and many people in the buildings couldn't get out and died".

He replied, "When I live in a big building, I will live on the bottom so I can get out fast". That was all, he got up and started to chase my little guy around the house.

I thought, did I tell him too much? Did I use the wrong words? He is 5, so how much terror do they need in their lives? Then I think back to a conversation I had with my NYC Gal Pal and realized that some 5 years old, have more terror than we know. The world is coming at us fast and how we explain the choices of others in relation to our children is a curious question.

06 September, 2007

Opera Legend

HIS LAST WORDS (as told to his manager, Terri Robson)
"I believe that a life lived for music is an existence spent wonderfully, and this is what I have dedicated my life to."
FIRST POSTED SEPTEMBER 6 2007 http://www.lucianopavarotti.com/

Luciano Pavarotti passed away this morning. I shed a tear as I heard this news. His voice had/has the ability to carry my soul and the souls of others to new heights. I find myself fortunate to have seen him live in concert 9 years ago. My ticket was the last to be purchased in a huge family outing and therefore I was seated behind the stage, actually only 10 rows up from the legend. He was so wonderful, and would turn around and serenade us. I remember what I wore, how my hair was and the feelings I had in my being, as I listened to this wonderful voice. He was blessed with a tremendous gift and brought song, to many of this world. If you have never listened to his voice, I encourage you to listen to Nessun Dorma. Of course this is a very popular song and most people have heard it, but have you truly listened to it?

One goal, I have had, was to see an Opera at La Scala with Luciano performing. I guess that will have to wait for a heavenly performance and I should count my blessings to have seen him once in this earthly existence.

The world's ears are at a loss today and for all time now. Thankfully we have the ability to replicate his great vocia, via the recordings available to us. Whether it is my Italian Heritage, or my love for song, I am missing a wonderful Italian Son.