29 April, 2008


Next week, hubbie will travel to Miami, FL and do the Tasting Interview. We hope to have some good news by the end of next week, in terms of having a new job that offers more security and benefits in this ever changing economy.

I am hanging in there... shuttle service for the boys, music lessons, school, library etc. Clean house, work on organizing stuff, keep to exercise program... HA!

Well I am hanging in there!

23 April, 2008

The Call

Hubbie received a call from the RC, Ritz Carlton. They want to fly him down and do a tasting while meeting the team. This is all positive and we hope it leads to a firm offer. It will be for the Key Biscayne hotel, so most likely I will be looking at the Fort Lauderdale area as our new home.

Dealing with Alpaca Business as well and not liking the current place they are boarding at. They are to help me sell my herd and seem to have a bunch of ways to tell me they are having trouble doing just what they stated they could do. UGH! Is no one professional?

22 April, 2008

Urges from the crowd

Well today I got a push to do another post. It seems I have a faithful reader now and she comes here to this space to catch up on me and my life happenings! Well thank you for keeping me honest dear friend.

Honestly, I feel as if there is little to blog about these day. Same old same old song, I don't know where we will be living, when our situation will change, when we will see hubbie again, how much money will be coming in to budget, pending the money situation, it will dictate how we live, whenever we figure out where!

Then of course there is the matter of the MOVE, finding a school for my to be 1st grader, a preschool for my little guy and then finally a job for me because we most likely will not have enough money to live on, after we pay for private school. This all assuming we are in Sunny Florida. If we actually make it to Boston, well, only the little guy will need to be financially supported in a Pre K program as the older one will be in a public school most likely.

Of course the issue of housing, commute times, getting new doctors, dentists, music lessons is also on the mind, but honestly, I just need to stop. I have done a search in the Boston, Fort Lauderdale, West Palm Beach, Beachwood, Westlake, North Atlanta areas to boot on all the things mentioned. I am exhausted and it all depends on the salary as to what I can actually look at.

So the same old story, it just goes and goes.

I was watching a couple minutes on CNN regarding the Texas Polygamy case. The reporters were retelling the same facts over and over again. My internal conversation when something like..."When will they say something new? When they have something new to say. Isn't that the case for all of it? We rehash the same crap over and over again, until the decision is made? Of course that is how it goes. So stop watching this stuff and just pay attention to when a decision is finally made. Then we know what will happen. Oh good stuff there... apply to own life."

So this is it. I need to just take it one day, one moment at a time and I will know when a decision is made. After all I am not the one making any decisions, beyond that of supporting my hubbie. Hubbie has to find the job he wants and commit to it. I will do all the rest, but he is taking the lead and dictating our future so to speak. Scary yes, but this is what I signed up for and I am okay with it. I have to be if I want to be with Hubbie and create a home for our family.

Hanging in there under extreme unknowing... that is what I am doing these days.

20 April, 2008

Faith and Trust... my lessons?

In catching up a friend the other night, I retold my day to day struggles of late. Her comment was that I must be learning how to trust and have faith. I ponder this idea, as I thought I did okay in this department. But when I deconstruct the idea, I admit, I am having a hard time trusting my hubbie to make the right decisions or be capable of doing what is expected in his job. After all, his job is dictating our current situation. If he is not capable, then his current job will fall apart or he will in the process. If he is capable then the question is why on earth is he not able to manage his boss and secure certain things that were promised at the start?

If he is not capable, will he be strong enough to admit and accept the job at the Ritz Carlton? After all, once he is part of the machine again, he will be forced to learn the process and by default be capable in time.

Faith, this is a harder one to admit. Somewhere I know things will work out as they need to. After all, everything happens for a reason, some we like and others we don't. I do believe in this idea strongly. However, faith that it will work out in a peaceful, gentle, graceful way? No is the answer. There is too much turmoil in our world and to think it won't touch me is naive to say the least. We are churning in this mess like so many others. We are not alone in having to make difficult decisions on how we live, where we live, what we choose to do for a living etc.

Many people are being squeezed financially, which is causing a hardship. I just pray that I allow grace and ease to flow over me, as I walk through the obstacles placed in my path.

After saying this, I realize I do have faith, because I know I will continue walking, continue living anc continue forward. This is faith, the constant urge to move on, without knowing the outcome.

Trust, well I am working on that one when it comes to my hubbie. I do trust him in his love for me, our boys, his commitments, but it is the trust of his skills that are challenging me now. I have never worked with him and do not know his management style, ability etc. This is the area that I guess I need to bring my faith to and just let it be.

I guess I trust he will do his best, I just pray it is enough.

14 April, 2008


After trying to make the mental shift to Boston, it seems we may not be done thinking about other locations. The move to Boston has not been an easy one. There are many hurdles in the way, which have caused hubbie and I to rethink this move. If all of these obstacles exist, is there a reason why it isn't working out so smoothly?

In light of trying to find the answer to above question, we started to rethink areas to relocate to and have been considering Florida. This is NOT my first, second or even third choice of places to live, but if considered for a very short time period it might just do the trick.

Hubbie has two phone interviews with the Ritz Carlton and we hope to know something by the end of the week. What the job in Boston lacks... security, stability, market presence, benefits, great team setting, work place support, etc... the Ritz Carlton has in surplus. We would take a pay cut, but again, in 1-2 years, hubbie would be advanced and increase that base pay and we would be on our way.

Well more on this as details come. Anyone know of a good place to live near Fort Lauderdale area?

Now playing: Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
via FoxyTunes

11 April, 2008

Getting There

Update on the organizing... I made it to the resale shop and dropped off about 6 large bags of clothing and such. This weekend or next is the rummage sale where they take anything! It is a donation, but at least the items will go to those who need them, possibly making better use than I at this point.

Hubbie and I are also organizing on the future front. We have been discussing if Boston is going to work out and if not what back up plans are in place. We have decided to explore the idea of returning to the Ritz Carlton for work. Hubbie enjoyed a very successful career for over 7 years there. He advanced quickly and worked with talented, passionate people that truly understand quality of life and service. As the Ritz is not a utopia, there are some items that need to be considered, but overall, it is a good place to explore. With some carefully placed inquiries, we should have a better idea of where we will be living/moving and enjoying the next year or so of our life. I am thinking the process may last until mid May. Until then, the boys and I hang tough in Ohio.

It has been an exhausting process to say the least. This idea of following a job, figuring out where we will live, will we afford the basics, job security, educational outlets etc. All of this while learning, current Boston job does not cover us in Ohio for medical. Until we move there, we have no medical coverage. Also because we are married, I am unable to apply for public assistance, so here we are uncovered, medically.

Then our refrigerator decided to conk out.. again for the 4th time in 5 years!!! After a week of trying to solve the problem, I discover the last repair ruining my liner, thus causing a slow problem that finally showed up. Good news, I will have a new refrigerator, bad news.. it will be here in a week. I will be without a fridge for 2 weeks! The company seems to think that a new unit is all they need to do and I should be happy about it. I happen to think otherwise. I didn't cause the problem, and I am being punished for 2 weeks without a unit. I have to now do extra work to figure out a solution to keep milk cool. Why am I being inconvenienced? UGh.. another thing. I keep telling myself, silver lining.. new fridge!

Okay, need to gather myself and get the day started so I can confirm the medical coverage situation and fix my milk cooling issue.

04 April, 2008


Today I tried to take my mind off of "things" and found myself in the basement. I have been meaning to go through the boys clothes and take items to the resale shop. Today I finally went through a ton of stuff, boxes etc. and made a new pile.

Now this is no easy task, as I have a 1/4 of the basement dedicated to storage;

you know those things that make a house homey, books, CDs, a ton of kitchen stuff that you could do without if you had to, seasonal items etc. Hubbie and I organized this part of our basement like a store, with isles. This way if we needed to, we could go up and down sections to find what we needed. This sorta worked. I just now found the mandolin for the kitchen.

So I went through the isles, looking for things that were no longer needed, wanted or necessary to keep. Now I have a new pile! This pile will be gone at the end of the month, so that is a good thing. I feel lighter, as if I accomplished some great task.

Now playing: Fleetwood Mac - Sara
via FoxyTunes

Feeling Blue

Today and last night, I have been feeling blue. Not too mention a bit bloated and yucky about image. V, my youngest, was trying to tell me that he loves daddy and daddy should come home. It seems if he loves him then Daddy will appear. "But I love daddy", was his chant yesterday. It hit me that they are also feeling blue. There are a couple of things in the works to bring us together once again, but nothing that allows us to see the end. Why, when, what and how are all things I am asking of myself and hubbie now. Why are we here? What the hell are we doing? How are we going to pull it all together? When will this be over?

No pics, for the past couple of days... just not feeling it.

02 April, 2008

Settling Down

I was watching a prime time show, Men in Trees tonight and found myself connecting with the main character, Marin Frist. In this episode, Marin in struggling to keep her "Pre Elmo" identity. This is no different from countless people who struggle to keep alive the glory days, even if those glory days aren't the same or reasonable anymore.

At the end of the show, after trying to keep up with the Jet Setters, Marin finds herself at home, cozying up with her hunky flannel clad boyfriend playing a simple game of Scrabble. The scene was nice, warm and inviting, something I can really find harmony with these days.

First impression was how nice it is to find that peace and calm in one's life. Then it made me appreciate my crazy single life, before hubbie and lovely L and V. I am grateful to have had my experiences that led me around the world on many an adventure. Some moments were thrilling, scary, dangerous, hilarious and impressionable. I learned along the way as I continue to do, but at this moment I find the phrase settling down to be peaceful and right.

If I never allowed myself freedom to roam and ramble, would I be able to appreciate settling down?

I shared some correspondence with a very dear friend recently and it led me down a path of piecing it all together to realize that even though I am still the same girl who did all of those outrageous things... I am also the very woman who is willing to reflect, do the work and forge ahead to what lies beyond today. If it weren't for those lewd moments, loud outburst, scandalous trysts, would I be able to appreciate myself in ways I have come to love?

It is a struggle to be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, because there are so many deep dark hidden secrets. But there is true beauty in finding yourself as you are and loving the person you've become. There is also beauty in knowing settling down can be a safe haven, not an escape but a welcome reward to a life lived fully in each moment.

01 April, 2008

Prayers for a Friend

They say the power of prayer is a mighty thing. Let's put that to work as I ask each of my readers to pause and send out a positive thought for a dear college friend. Her brother passed away this weekend. My intention for her is that she finds the necessary peace she needs in order to make sense of this tragic event.

Thank you