26 October, 2007

Denmark

In Denmark until Monday visiting a friend and her family. The first day was a bit odd, as it was the first time ever my luggage was lost. Additionally, at 9:30am there was a door bell which I answered at the hopes of it being my bag, to find a very cartoon character of a chimney sweep. I mean this was very funny site to behold and scary, because he kept wanting to come in and I was not really in the right state of mind to deal with this, after having traveled over 20 some hours.

I finally did muster up the energy to brave the city center by myself. I walked around looking at shops, people and buildings. I have to say that once you have seen a few European Cities, they start to resemble each other. I found this to be similar to Germany in parts and then like the outskirts of London.

It has been nice to spend time with my friend and her children. Her oldest is my godson. He made the funniest comment when he saw me and realized that I was here. He said, you are not real! Not seeing me on a regular basis is difficult I would imagine. Occasionally, we talk on the phone, but still it is a hard concept to grasp.

My own boys are wanting to know if it is dark or light and when I am coming home. My littlest keeps saying, okay mommy, now come home. He is not thrilled to be talking to me on the phone.

Well there will be more sights to see this weekend and then I return on Monday. I am happy to have made the trip, but will be very happy to go home and have my children´s embrace, not too mention my husband too!

18 October, 2007

Sublte Changes, Big Impact

In a conversation last night with my gal pal, we uncovered a pretty neat insight into ourselves. For the past 5 or so years, ironically the time we both became mothers, we have started to embrace a movement. The movement being one of more earth conscious nurturing on mind, body and soul. We hear it and see it everywhere today, green, local, organic, spirit, peace, new age etc. When you distill this movement you see a common thread of nurturing as the catalyst for this change.

The world is crying out like a baby, to be nurtured. Mother Earth needs some tending to. She is requiring us to be mindful and to walk softly. How does one do this? Well it starts out with being mindful internally. How do you choose to feed yourself? How do you choose to make consumer purchases? What ingredients do you support in your purchases? Is there sustainability in the product? How will this product affect humans, the earth, the way in which business is conducted? What are the issues you read up on? How do you teach your children? What ideals, values, morals, do you hold yourself to?

Of course these ideas first start in theory, small conversations, large philosophical discussions amongst family and friends. There comes a time when the words need to translate into action for it to materialize. If your actions don't reflect the grand idea, then you are simply posturing and not really making a difference.

My gal pal and I find ourselves living the word, making choices differently in order to feel a greater connection to the source of all. In order to make these choices, we challenge our thoughts, our decision making, our purchase power, our nutritional impact, our relationships, ourselves to be the best we can in tune with natural rhythms. We are not perfect in our attempts and it is hard to completely live in current society with these ideals, however we strive to make new changes everyday and learn more about the changes that need to be made.

Have we changed in the process? Certainly to some extent the manner in which we do things is different and the types of choices we make are more informed. However, the driving spirit is deep within and most likely has always been there. In fact, the connection to the source is always there in each and every one of us. The challenge is to actively seek this connection and make it a daily relationship. How many of us can honestly say this connection exists?

In our "late" night discussion, we found ourselves morphed. It would appear thusly. Five years ago, we looked the same with a purplish aura around us, or pick whatever color. Now we appear to look the same, however we have a completely different aura surrounding us. How many would notice the difference truly? Those close to us may slough it off as in we are being snobby, picky, uptight, rigid etc. Words we have both heard when trying to uphold our value system.

What really seems to be happening is that our honest, real time, relationship to the source challenges others to review their own relationship to the source. Most people may not even recognize this has transpired, however, the feelings of discourse are real and they may lash out at us in sloughing it off with their attempts to laugh or say "well that is how you do it", or "you are a little extreme", "you know I love you for that" or etc. etc..

The fun amazing epiphany we shared last night was the realization that we morphed into a really neat person that we both admire. We stand for nurturing the whole person and being kind to Mother Earth. We strive to make better choices and we are committed to a long journey of eduction. We will morph again and again with each phase bringing us closer to the source. Our relationship with the source sustains us and drives us further. It is really amazing to not just live the ideals once a week, or when it suits us, but to put that conviction to the test and do it everyday. It weighs heavy on our brain, certainly, but it is there and that is better than not recognizing it at all.

09 October, 2007

Changing Season

I have noticed that our seasons are not what they used to be. In fact, it seems that ever since I moved back to Ohio, over 5 years ago, the Autumn is a long extension of summer. Having said this, it also seems to me that Summer doesn't really start until July 4th. What ever happened to our summer starting around Memorial Day Weekend?

My gal pal made a comment about how the earth is changing and our climate is warming up. I agree something is going on about our climate. For us to see a noticeable difference in the span of 10 years or less seems pretty extreme of a change, when it takes aeon's or at least centuries for our environment to make the smallest of changes.

I find that our seasons have shifted. Instead of summer usually being from Memorial Day to Labor Day, the time when all the pools are open, they are starting a good month later and lasting a good month later as well. It would be nice if our society would change with this shift so we are able to enjoy the outdoor swimming in the hot temps, instead of following an outdated storybook routine of what our 4 seasons look and feel like.

If it is staying warmer later in the year and staying cooler later in the year, is our climate really heating up, or has it just shifted? The experts of the green house effect would say our climate is heating up, as the ice caps are melting at an alarming rate. Then I would like an explanation why our spring is so gosh darn cold and seemingly stretched out into late June. I have yet to hear anyone talk about that!

08 October, 2007

Organization to be or not to be?

A friend of mine posed the following question, "Are we born organized or is this a learned behavior", more or less. I am not certain if I know the answer, but I will share with you this personal observation.

On several occasions, I obtain a strange euphoria after organizing a room, a closet, a file system or a kitchen cabinet. Is this feeling a learned behavior or it is something I was born with? Again the answer is unknown to me, but I can tell you that the high of being organized and knowing where everything is, has an addictive quality. I also realize I am a creature that is highly affected by her environment. There is a development theory out there, once studied by me, that alludes to this behavioral pattern. After careful observation of myself, I can attest to this theory applying to me. If my environment is out of whack, usually I will be out of whack. Things will accumulate and I start to lose focus. However, once I dig in and organize I find that I feel lighter and more able to handle the day, myself etc.

The feeling of a weight being lifted is one I know first hand. There was this one time, I sifted through a large bag of paperwork that pertained to an ugly part of my life. There was much pain in that pile of papers that drug out over a span of 4 years. I sat down and went through the entire bag, only keeping what I needed to in case I needed to follow up one day. After releasing more than half of the contents, I proceeded to shred the documents. I was so "high" after this ritual, it was as if I was out of my body. In fact a friend came over to introduce his new girlfriend to me and I really don't remember much of that meeting. I was too ecstatic to sit down and elated that the pain had been cut down by 2/3rds!

So is it learned or inbred? At this point, I know all that matters for me, is that once I am organized I feel better and more capable to handle what is before me. I wish my friend the peace she needs to find with organization, to be or not to be.

Stars

"Didn't anybody ever tell you, you were made of stars?"... Joshua Kadison.

What a wonderful line to hear sung to you. I have this playing right now as I type. Things have gotten out of control in my life this past year and trying to repair, rebuild and/or heal has been an extremely difficult challenge. Every now and then it is nice to hear something, really hear it, and find beauty. This is how I feel listening to this line.

Hmm, what makes you feel beauty?

05 October, 2007

Money Thoughts

Universe, I sense your challenges coming and I am not liking them. However, I am resisting the urge to allow my blood to boil. It seems that I have some outstanding bills that I have not received yet. In my head, I am keeping a rough tally of what to expect. Well the bills are coming in and they are almost double my rough estimates. I am really unhappy about this, as I have no clue as to where the money will come from and I have no clue on why the charges are so high. This was not agreed to and now it becomes a struggle.

IN light of my quest for peace and ease, I am trying to let all of this go, so I am not consumed with despair. If I don't call attention to it, maybe it won't get out of hand. Well, today, not only did the urge to allow my blood to boil get out of hand, but it is hard to keep myself sane.

Okay, universe, I see how your challenges work. Here is my mantra... MONEY IN, MONEY IN. Not the opposite!

04 October, 2007

Blighted Ovum and the prayer of a lifetime....

Does anyone know what this is? Well I found out this past week. It seems that when reproductive cells meet, they split into two groups of cells. One group breaks off to form the amniotic sac and other supporting roles and the second group breaks off to form the baby. In this case, the cells that forms the baby really never get it together and therefor, nothing is growing inside the pregnancy. Your body will feel pregnant mostly, and you may even get to 12 weeks or so. However the baby set of cells is not very developed maybe to about 5 weeks max.

Two weeks ago, I was all set to go and see my baby's heartbeat on the monitor from the ultrasound, and as the technician tried to find something, she just couldn't. More tests, blood draws, ultrasounds all to arrive at the conclusion I was about to miscarry.

This past weekend was my son, V's, birthday party. I really wanted to focus on him and have his special day be special. As I tried to put the smile on, I found myself in labor, as my body tried to naturally expel this growth inside of me. After an hour, it dawned on me that my sore, very sore bottom, and heavy breathing was a sign of labor. The cramping came in waves and would dissipate.

The next day, I was scheduled for a D&C. Certainly I did not need one, after the pain and bleeding I experienced the day before. Well to my dismay, I found myself on the operating table, all hooked up to the latest in anesthesia, feeling groggy. I awoke a short 20 minutes later to find I was free of said growth and no longer expecting.

The entire experience left me feeling frustrated and angry at having to go through this expense and suffering. If I was not to be pregnant at this time, then send my period! Why have me go through this process after the year I have been having, just to prove a point that this year has been hell?

I was prostrate on a table, had my insides vacuumed out of all the toxic growth and now what? So I decide to leave this behind, move forward. I really I mean really really truly, want to move forward. I long for some peace and ease. I await the day when I am not scared to open the bills and then fret on how to pay them all. I long for the day that the boxes I live among are gone, because we have settled into a place of our own. I really really truly, want to be done with the pain and suffering.

My commitment this week is to release the anger I have inside of me. It has been building over time and it needs to be released. Please understand me, I do appreciate my blessings. In fact every day and night, I reflect on how much I do have in my favor and I am thankful. I also try very hard to put my intent towards purity and grace. It is hard, very hard when you are struggling on the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. How easy it is to live a life of purpose and grace when your basic needs are tended to. How easy it is to dispense advice and commentary when your sorrows are cared for. I wish to be in a such a place of ease and peace. I want to give back and even though I am in this place, I have tried very hard to be there for my friends, two of which accepted new jobs for their betterment. Many birthdays have gone by and I have sent well wishes and I continue to listen and hear, really hear my friends and their voice.

As this is who I am, and I do not do these things for a pat on the back. It is nice to know that in the midst of such personal pain, I am able to step outside of my situation and be there for a person in need and be appreciated. It is also gratifying to find that there are people in my life who are able to give back to me in my time of need, in the compassionate, caring way I respond to.

This has been one hell of a year, that I pray I never repeat. Whatever karmic lessons had to be learned and I know some of them, I certainly pray they are learned. I would not wish this on anyone. It is so hard to see the family support you relied on crumble through the smoke and mirrors. To make drastic changes of your lifestyle in support of a dream, you were falsely lead to believe, would be supported. To bare all to your in laws and let the truth of your family be known to them in shame, to find the stupidity of my faith in my parents and family be so blatant, to realize your financial security is gone and being homeless is only a month away and then to have a new life, full of faith, promise and hope scraped out of you and tossed in a garbage can.... well it is all too much.

We have no idea on where we will be in one month, two months or 10 months. We wait for the situation to change and pray we are able to maintain or at least keep the debtors at bay, until the financial situation changes.

Having 2 young boys to care for and protect, I feel as if this challenge is more critical. How do I make it safe for them and let them know that even though mommy cries more now, it is all okay? How do I give them that sense of security when I don't know where it is?

Well, I love them with all I've got and I try my best to smile each day and laugh real hard with them. I am giving it my all, I really pray there is no more, for fear I will break. This has to be the end of it. The suffering must stop. The financial situation needs to lift and correct itself and we will move on with our lives settling in so we can feel secure. I need this to all happen, not want, but need.

Universe, if you are there, I appreciate your challenges of strength and faith. I realize the curtains are all drawn back to allow the light to shine on the relationships in my life and the situations at hand. I see the truth and clarity before me. Thank you for strengthening the relationships in my life at present day. I cherish those who have really been there in a word, a call or a hug. Many have given selflessly and I truly truly cherish them.

I would like to move forward with peace and ease so I may build a foundation for my family. I would like to have a secure home that we can allow magic to run free and our creative hearts to swell. I ask for gifts from you that are easy to open and a delight to experience. I pray you hear this....