30 July, 2007

The UGLY Monster that lives in our house!

More often than not, most people would categorize my husband as a happy go lucky guy. He is the one that doesn't show strong opinions, doesn't raise his voice and usually gives into the boys. I on the other hand, have strong convictions, use my voice to my liking when needed and enjoy the Italian gesturing, I have learned via my family.

There are a choice few topics, however, that turn my husband into the ugly monster. If money and his parents come up in the same sentence watch out! He starts to cut me off, not listen, preface everything he says with his thoughts and just out and out right not listen to me at all. He raises his voice and starts to say mean little nasty comments about the topic at hand.

I think he reverts to some adolescent boy who still lives with his parents. He acts childish and says things that seem so out of character for him.

Funny when I came home tonight, I was looking forward to chatting with my husband about our lives today and the events that took place. I shared some conversations with freinds and family and usually he enjoys listening to the thoughts discussed. But what just happened was I brought up the topic of his parents and the idea that they might want to give us money for any reason. (There is a huge long involved story about why money is needed and I am not ready to post that out there in cyberspace, but suffice it to say, the conversation started and he just turned ugly). It is as if his being has some sort of internal censor. Once the idea is introduced, he turns on a dime and just gets ugly!

I really have to admit, I hate it, just hate his behaviour. It completely upsets me and brings my blood to a boil. Obviously, I think he needs to mature about the subject, but more importantly he doesn't listen to a damn thing I say. He just tunes me out and starts spouting off at the mouth how his parents will never do this or that and stop pretending they will and this and that and the other. Well if he would have heard me, he would have heard that I wasn't asking for anything and I was relaying a conversation I had with a friend who had some advice on how he should handle himself when this idea of money and his parents come up. That was all.

Would I like it if his parents helped us out financially? It certainly would be nice to have had a down payment for a house like they gave his sister. It certainly would be nice to have had them pitch in over 15 grand for a wedding, that wasn't even as nice as ours. It certainly would be nice to have them handle all of our dirty work that needs to be done when dealing with sales people and such. I mean, wouldn't anyone like to have a helping hand now and again?

But do I expect anything from them? No, I do not. They haven't done for us yet, why would they start now. However, if they did offer us a helping hand at this juncture in our lives, it would be nice to know that my husband would be able to accept it with humility and openness, instead of turning in the ugly monster. You see, at this point in our lives, we are in a very difficult financial picture. Some of the commitments made by others, in our lives, did not come through and it has left us holding the bag. We are extremely stressed out about our steps and have no real idea when our situation will change.

At a time like this, my husband and I should be able to comfort each other and try to prepare ourselves for any possibility. All I know is the ugly monster needs to leave our house immediately!

28 July, 2007

Monkey Bars

When is the last time you did the monkey bars at a park? For me it has been a long while. Today after taking the boys to see Ratatouille, we ended up at a family park. As the park was immense I decided to follow my little guy V. I then realized that I was working up a small sweat and decided it was really fun going up and down and trying out all of the obstacles.

V was enjoying the fact that he and I were buddies in the park. It warms my heart when I hear his little voice say "Mommy, where are you?" L, my oldest child was having fun with Daddy. Daddy of course had to prove his ability to do chin ups.

As we were about to leave I did the monkey bars. It didn't come as easily as they once did, but the fact remains that I did do them and it was fun. The entire evening was fun.

I needed some fun and a family park with my boys was just the remedy.

25 July, 2007

This is Rich!

Seriously, here I am contemplating the best way to clear out my debts and my mother calls wanting to know if I am talking right now. What did she mean by that? Well she goes on to say "That it seems to me your are avoiding us right now".

Oh excuse me! I think, not only am in in financial despair right now, but the fact that I am taking care of myself and my children is not enough for you? I also need to feed your ego and justify your existence? I mean come on already. I just spent time on the phone with 3 dear friends, who tried to console me about financial crap and how the society in which we live doesn't support families who are trying to make the right decisions. These dear friends of mine are listening to my complaints of family, financial let downs and they are there for me.

This truly is frustrating to me how I need to be savior to myself and to my parents, siblings etc. Where is my savior, where is my get out of jail free card? Who do I turn to that will help me out? Friends, thank goodness for friends. As Bette sings in her song, "You gotta have friends..... ". I have friends and I am truly grateful. Now where is that sugar daddy? HA!

Whoa is me, I know, who doesn't have financial problems to work through? Who isn't able to live the way they want to due to lack of financial means? I am not the first and I will not be the last. But does the lesson have to be this hard? How many disappointments do I need in order to move forward? How many let downs do I need in order to be humbled?

All I know is that I will find a way out of this, like all the other times I needed to make my own way. I will do what I have to do and I will move forward, this is what a survivor does, she moves on.

Financial Dreams down down down the drain...

Right now I am dealing with the financial stress. Truly I am trying to release the financial crap and I was doing so well, but you know what it doesn’t just go away! I don’t have parents to bail me out, I don't have a trust fund, an inheritance stocks that will be cashed out at my expense. I never have and it hurts. I don’t want my children to ever know this feeling. I really hate it, I mean I hate it.

Where is Oprah when you need her Dream truck of wishes come true? I will never forget the woman who wanted all of her debt to be gone. Oprah made it go away! I must be delusional, because I really want someone to take it all away and give me a fresh start. For once I would like to be free of debt. It makes me crazy, to here my in-laws talking about how they were able to save their wedding money and put it to a nest egg. My wedding money paid for my wedding. It makes me crazy to hear them talk about having a down payment from their parents. We had no down payment for our house. We took out credit. It makes me crazy to hear how they amassed equity out of their house, well duh, if you have a down payment you have equity! It makes me crazy to hear you apply that equity after the sale and move up in buying your next house... well duh! If I had a starting nest egg, down payment do you think I would have this problem? I never had that! Never had that life situation to be given an edge, to be given a chance. No my parents taught me about debt, this is all I know and I hate it!!! I was never taught how to save, even though I know how to do it, I never had the opportunity to do it. Everything I do is on credit! I hate that! I hate it. I am struggling here and I hate it. My husband is freaking out because he never lived like this before. I have brought him down. I am a liability. What a loser I am. Oh bother, where is Oprah when you need her?

Me again, just venting,

23 July, 2007

My boys

Hitting an epiphany, ouch!

Returning, circling back, taking a step back, actually all of it and more are mere thoughts on reflecting. This past weekend, I "celebrated" a mild milestone birthday. It seems that my birthdays have turned out to be busts for quite some time. I guess my expectation around the "event", as if I was being turned out for something, are too high for those around me. Is it too much to want some pampering? Pampering, I am not talking about high dollar items, but small things, as in delicious food, cake or something decadent and unusual, cards, phone calls, and a special outing or plan. Now having a chef husband you would think that the eating part of my day would be covered. Phone calls or cards, come on is that asking too much? Did you see me mention any gifts? NO! I would rather enjoy those small little touches from those around me.

The biggest pet peeve around special days is the lack of planning. For some odd reason, I have to be the one who plans my mother's day, or my birthday. From the menu to the day's events to the gift. It is quite annoying and leaves me feeling taking for granted.

I take the extra time to plan a menu and the day's events. I take the time to select the right gift for that person, you know something they would like, not necessarily me. I take the time to coordinate the others invovled so there is cohesion throughout the day. I decorated my son's door, so when he woke up, he would see an extra special something.

A couple of my best birthdays, were spent with people who were just getting to know me. The first was in Italy whilst studying there for a summer. I awoke to a door full of well wishes, or Tanti Auguri. There was an elaborate plan to obtain a cake that arrived via a vespa and many close calls into some narrow streets. There were toasts of grappa and lots of birthday cheer. As I had no real idea on the eleborate plans, it was so refreshing and endearing to think these people really spent some time to make my birthday special. How blessed I was. I still maintain a dear friendship with one of the party coordinators.

Another birthday was spent in Mexico. I was staying with a family there one summer. They decided to share their version of birthday festivity and held one massive house party. Complete with cake, food and drink. I also learned that the honored one, typically had their face in the cake at some point after the traditional singing was over. I forgot to mention the days before that birthday, we spent out at a vacation resort enjoying the town and touring its famous history.

In stark contrast, when I turned 30, it was 2 weeks after I delivered my first child. 30 was a huge birthday for me and the fact I had crazed hormones rushing around while packing on the residual baby weight, didn't help me forget the fact I was turning 30! My husband didn't even bother to purchase me something momentous, I actually selected the item. We ordered take out Chinese, something we did frequently, so again, "not" special and sat in front of the TV. YIPPIE, I WAS 30!

This past birthday, there was an attempt by my husband to make the day special, but when he asked me what I wanted to do and then proceed to wait for me to decide, well this is where I get turned off. Additionally, my parent's offered to watch the boys for us, but didn't really say when they would watch them, or how it was to happen. Here I was the day after my birthday, making the plans and coordinating everyone into action.

For my big 40th, well I think it best, if I just do my own thing. This way, I will have it planned exactly as it needs to be so I am able to enjoy it. It seems those closest to me really don't pay that much attention to what I like or how I like it. Really is this too much to expect?

I am trying very hard to just move on and leave it in the past. Actually, when they say it is just another number, boy it truly feels that way. It is nothing special in the least. Is this why people say it is just another number? It very well could be that once you hit a certain age, you are not allowed to be treated special or to have too much fun on your birthday. Possibly, having door decorations is too much for a 47 year old? Well I say, phooey! All birthdays are special. This was the day we chose to embrace this existence and we all need to say, happy day to you!