30 March, 2008

Urges from a friend

A friend of mine has been sharing a dialogue with me that warrants posting... her suggestion. She asked me a question about my choices that led me to my current position. This week, I have been processing the events that led my hubbie to another state for employment and reasons why we are not able to join him as a family.

Specifically she wanted to know how I will reflect on my time spent in Ohio, as it is my home state. I returned here in 2003 after 9 years of living all over it seems. Going home and all, it is worth a post. So here goes:

"As for how I think of Ohio… I think that it isn’t about Ohio, but about going home. Going home is not something a person can really do, after they have stretched themselves like I have. Going home will never be the same and the old towers of dependability are now weakened and faulty. I went home with colored glasses on seeing a place I left good and bad. I took off the glasses finally and realized this is just a place like any other and the ties that bind are not as tight. I have created my own life now and that is what I need to be true to. I have my own purpose and my own path. The only way to make being home work is to let go of some new pieces of me. I am not willing to do that. I like me and I like where I want to go. Assuming where I want to go is what is “the movie in my head”. I realize to create the movie in my head, I have to do it on my own. I can not rely on my family to replicate what I had. Life, the world, families, people, culture, economy have all made this impossible. IT isn’t just for me, but for many who have to realize this unfortunate or fortunate turn of events in the world we live."

Day 5

Helping hands... we are going to make a cake today. We miss our daddy!

Day 3 and 4

Dear Daddy,

We just hung up the phone talking to you. Their spirits are high. Having the phone makes this easy, as they are able to talk to you every day. You are so much apart of their world, that even though you are not here, you are here. We love you.

27 March, 2008

Day 2

Here we are, all three, missing you. At least we are feeling better! We all had a yucky stomach pain that finally made its way out! Now we are left with an annoying cough, but that is far better than that yucky pain in the stomach!
Hugs and Kisses you cakes!

26 March, 2008

Mixed Emotions

First Day without Daddy...mixed emotions.

Now playing: U2 - Staring At the Sun (Acoustic Live)
via FoxyTunes

24 March, 2008

The Night Before....

As I type, the boys are running around WAY past their bedtime, hubbie is packing last minute items and I am trying to wrap my brain about what is really transpiring. You see, hubbie is leaving tomorrow at 6 am for Boston, Mass. He is going for work. The job could have been promising, if the people in charge weren't so unorganized and unclear. Yes unclear is the word I will use for lying....

We were all set to have hubbie go first and in the next couple of months, after I was able to wrap things up, move the boys out as well. However, because this job offer was very UNCLEAR, we have decided to treat this like a contract job. Hubbie will go out indefinitely, or until he is able to secure a position that isn't so gosh darn difficult or at best CLEAR!

When will we see him next? When will we be able to all live together as a family again? I really don't know. The earliest for living together would be 3 months I think and seeing him next? Well that depends on how CLEAR this new job is about his days off. Food service is not a planned or predictable career choice. Strike that, it is very planned... "you will work around the clock with no time for yourself. You only take time for yourself after everything is done and there will always be things for you to do".

Hubbie cried in my arms two nights ago and I admit, I lost it too. Our life is changing forever and I have no idea what to expect, truly no idea. I have no idea on where we will end up or at best the next chapter. It is scary and I truly don't think the boys grasp what is about to happen. Daddy won't be coming home tonight. Just thinking it makes me sad.

I hate that this is our life, but we must go where the jobs are and I we must live where it is affordable. How did our life end up this way? I still don't understand it all. But here we are and this is what we must do, for now.

Please send your positive thoughts and keep us in your prayers. We are hanging on by a thread, each one of us.

14 March, 2008

Giving up Control

Supporting your husband's career is not a new idea. In fact, throughout history, we have been observed how the women stay in the home, raise the children, support their husband and find contentment in that role. Present times, we have seen a change in this behaviour and most women who stay home are married to rich men which allows them the luxury of not having to work.

The women's movement fought for equal rights and women in the workforce, which I believe was a good goal, but it did lead us down a path of a 2 parent work force and a stigma around those women who actually stay home for the raising of their children.

I grew up with no notion of marrying for money, but that I would get my own job and make money on my own to support myself. This was not my upbringing, but just something I figured I would do. I am smart, determined and can do anything, so why would I not gravitate towards making it work on my own? Those who know me, would chuckle at how well I found that elusive career, grant it took me a while to find gainful employment that paid more than the bills, but I found it and was good at what I did.

Children came along and life intervened. After my second child was born, the universe granted my wish to stay home. It tore me up to work while my first born spent almost as much time with the hired help... albeit my sister. I actually sat down one day and calculated the hours he spent with me versus her. I had 5 more hours of time with him than she did.

The days when the sun was out and the air warm, just killed me. I wanted to pack a lunch, the bike and blanket so we could go to the park and play all day. But the phone would ring as another problem arose and I was quickly solving the crisis du jour.

So the Universe took over and made it so that I could stay home with my boys once V was born. I admit I was so relieved to be the primary nurturer. I did all those fun things I wanted to do. It took me about one year to release the stress of the "job" and realize that on Sunday afternoons, I didn't have to get that pit in my stomach that Monday would arrive. I settled into being a stay at home mommy. I loved it and still do.

Now the darnedest thing happened today. For the first time ever, I realized that I have put all my faith, trust and livelihood into one man's abilities... my hubbie. in the process of his job crisis and job search and finally a job offer, it never dawned on me how this affected me. Today it hit me, as we are still waiting, 2 weeks later, for an offer letter and start date. At this point, neither of us are working and there is no income coming in. I am allowing my husband to dictate the location and amount of money we will live on, but supporting his career. Instantly the brick wall hit my face as I realized I have no control of this situation. What if my hubbie isn't that good or has some serious faults that are not worked out? What if this high level position is not for him and he isn't all that? Holy Shit! The pressure started to mount on my head as I heard the voices... "You're the one with the Master's Degree and management experience, why aren't you getting the job?" Inferred by my in-laws.

Visions of the 50's woman came to mind. All of these very capable women, who due to their gender where banned to the home. They did it, trust their husbands, why couldn't I? This is the challenge I now see ahead of me. Trust my hubbie, cheer him on and pray for the best. Once we are settled, I will find my own gainful employment and add to the common good. I just need to be patient. AT least I have this option to do what I want, the 50's woman was challenged much more than I am for those bra burning girls I say... Thank You!

13 March, 2008

Reflections on the 95% Theory

It is late...

Just finished reading a blog from a dear friend who has experienced a "breakthrough". She and I share a fun, crazy past together while enjoying a paralleled present. I feel her pain as she parses through her fears/emotions and thoughts.

I find it very difficult to be the woman we envision in our heads. You know that woman who creates effortlessly, makes messy look stylish, has the perfect way of saying anything so it sounds intelligent and thoughtful, is calm with her children while being educational at every turn, has the fantastic job that accomodates her need to be a mother and an intellectual contributer to the greater world, and doesn't ever feel like a scared little girl that has to protect herself from things that she shouldn't need protecting from.

Oh the pain of our childhood can rear its ugly head on a dime. The smallest of memories, of moments, of interactions can lead us down a dark and lonely hallway into a room that is filled with shadows, nightmares, smells, noises and monsters; even if we completely blocked them out as children, the "feeling" of that pain is there.

Another friend brought this to the table a long while ago. Even if I appear strong, confident, decisive, assertive, put together, in control... that is only 95% of me. There will always be 5% of otherness that may take on any form and may need tending to. As parents of small children, we go through the memories of our childhood and it will make us parent differently, think from a different perspective. It challenges us to rethink, to remember and to choose wisely. It begs us to find better choices, deliberate actions that we may have to educate ourselves. Because the fact is, we don't know how to do it good enough, we were never taught that as a child from those who were supposed to keep our best interests at heart.

I feel her pain, I feel my pain. It is always there, but I find the 95% of me can hold the 5% of me up while I cry. Thank goodness there is 95% of me here!

09 March, 2008


Here is a welcome post to all my new readers! This the space that I work through my thoughts, feelings and emotions. There are times the space is quite helpful and others where it is just a space of rambling.

Today the focus is on our Relocation to Boston. We are awaiting a final offer letter, but it is already drafted waiting for a final relocation figure from the movers. How did this all come about?

Late last year, my hubbie started to sense things were going awry with his job. He came home and decided it was time to really start the job search. With all energy focused on a new job for my hubbie, he started to garner a ton of energy and activity around the search. We were looking at jobs all over in an effort to improve our current quality of life.

It was time to expand the borders of our search and consider relocation if that was where the trail led. The possibilities we considered were Minneapolis, New Jersey, Florida Coast, Texas, Columbus, Cinncinnati, Hershey, Washington DC, Beachwood, Cleveland and Boston.

As you can imagine, the possibilities had me going crazy with schools districts, cost of living, commute times, shopping ammenities and safety. There were many discussions about about what we wanted out of life and how we were going to get there. Once major stumbling block is the Alpaca Business.

Knowing the family turmoil throughout 2007, it should be no suprise that we decided to sell off our interests and move on for now. Alpacas are a great thing and I am truly looking forward to having my fleece put into felt and yarn. It will be great to have a warm sweater with Wyatt's fleece, our prize champion, to wear. However, with John's career, it isn't feasible for the two of us to go it alone and hence the decision to sell off.

The selling off has its own issues, but we are optomistic that buyers are around the corner. Once the animals are sold we will be able to afford a down payment, or rent for a year before buying. It might actually work out that I also do not have to go back to work until the boys are in school full time. The ideal would be for me to be a constant in their growing years. As parents, we really want our children to know we are their champions and cheering section.

January was full of job offers along with disappointments. February came and we were looking forward to our long planned vacation. Days before departure, hubbie's work decided they could do it better without him on their payrole. YIKES!!! News flash his ex-work is failing miserably, but that is their loss. Hubbie flew to Boston, wowed the company and has accepted a great job for his career.

We are the better for what has transpired, but it wasn't easy getting to this place by no means. We both recognize our blessings and truly embrace the move. The boys know they are moving to Boston, the place where the state has a strong arm attached. They are excited about being so close to the beach and getting a new house along with new schools. We will also be close to my hubbie's alma mater and friends in Maine. All in all this move is a great one, I just pray these alpacas sell so we can be together for life in Boston.

So there you have it, our move, what prompted it and why we even considered it. Next to come will be how we deal with it, make it happen and enjoy the process of becoming New Englanders. I have to say this settles with me better than the idea of becoming a Floridian or a Texan. I am joining the ranks of the educated shapers of our history. Maybe I will become a little patriotic??? Well let's not get too crazy, afterall, The North End is a huge concentration of all things Italian!