21 September, 2007

Breaking Point?

What is the breaking point for people? I know it is different for everyone, but we all have a breaking point, right? I fear that I am at mine, but the Universe doesn't see it that way at all.

Yesterday, I was given some feared, but unexpected news about something in my life. As I took the time to process, I realized, yet again, I am in a holding pattern. Not only is my living situation, financial situation, my husband's career advancement etc all on hold, but now this! I mean one way or the other already! The hurdles are getting more personal and more emotional.

I have stripped away almost everything in my world, dissected it and realized what it is and what it is not. I have completely changed so many aspects of my life and feel it is a good time to start over again and get on with it. A Lady in Waiting....

I have never been this in the dark about my life before. That is not to say that I haven't had dark times, suffered greatly since a small child, but I have no idea of where to go to next. At least before I would know, that I was here for at least 4 months and then there in 6 months. Now I know nothing. I am here for the remainder of the month. Next month, depends on our financial situation. Our future, depends on all of it! Nothing is known, there is no light to even see a flicker right now. Darkness of unknowing and how much more am I to take?

How much suffering does a person need to experience before it ceases? Have I not suffered enough? I mean my childhood was no walk in the park on many levels, not just one. College years were filled with bad choices due in part to the childhood preparation and more suffering. Finally I was able to find some peace and learned how to be a better person for me. Then I started to help others, or at least try and lookie lookie here I am! More Suffering! At some point, it has to stop. I am not able to keep this up. I just want peace of mind, I want to feel grounded and know I am safe. I haven't had that ever so is it wrong to want that? Are we not allowed to pursue a better life, isn't that what we are taught to do, make the world a better place? All the religions, philosophy speaks to creating more harmony, ending suffering, bringing peace, loving thy neighbor etc. I want to do that! But in order to do that, can I have some space, peace and gentleness? Is this too much to want? Don't we all need some gentleness in our lives and for those who didn't have that much to begin with, can we get a little more, or at least can't we have any?

In a week or two one of my holdings will let go. I certainly hope the tides change and things progress from there.

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