13 May, 2008

Revelation

This post has nothing to do with the pending job offer. However I did have this amazing break through this morning after a sexually charged dream. In my dream, I was trying to save another female from captivity. She was being held be 4 men. We were all dressed in some sort of black leather futuristic garb with face paint and such.

After I freed her, she ran away and I was captured. As I was lying on the ground, thinking, "great, now who is going to save me..." the men were taking shots at kicking me and pushing me around. I remember looking at myself on the ground not feeling any pain. Then I had this thought, what if one of them rape me? I actually started to want one of them to claim me if you will. At which point one man did. He started to care about me and then once we were finished, we were bonded and made to be a couple. At this moment, I felt safe, as if someone now was going to care for me and I him. He was protective of me and kept all others away, as if he and I became the king and queen of this savage new world.

I awoke thinking how strange to be wanting freedom to wanting bondage. From finding comfort in a rape! Then I remembered a rape that occurred at a fraternity party.

There was a group of us at this fraternity house hanging out, drinking beer, listening to music. I had on a blazer, shirt and pair of jeans. The jeans had a small tear under my left buttock, maybe the size of 2 inches horizontally. It wasn't noticable unless I bent over and you couldn't see anything but bare skin. At the time, it was a little sexy for me to have on to reel in a boy, but not too sexy if I didn't want to show it. It seemed harmless.

But it wasn't harmless, because it sent the wrong message to the head of the group. He was very sexy and the type of guy I always went for. It worked, we went to a back room and he chose me. We made out, nice enough. Then he turned me around, ripped my jean leg off and just rammed it in. I was bent over a desk thinking, what the hell, I didn't say yes, he didn't even ask. This isn't what I wanted. I just wanted him to pick me because I was the most attractive/sexy.

I left the room, holding my pant leg in place, and quietly left. One of my friends came outside and asked me a question at which point I told him what happened and showed him the pant leg. I was mortified and just couldn't believe what happened.

This morning it all came to me. Woman are made to look sexy, attractive, beautiful and desirable. We want men the really handsome ones to choose us. We crave the attention as validation that we are pretty enough, sexy enough, something worthwhile.
As a child survivor of sexual abuse, I learned to use sex as a weapon. However at times it back fired when I was caught off guard. This part was one such occasion. How pathetic our society is that we use sexual behaviours, looks to validate our existence and worth. Sex is such a twisted topic for me, because I have been on almost every side of its situation. But truly, I only wanted to be validated for being chosen, not shoved on a desk, pant leg torn off and dick rammed inside of me!

Also is it okay for men to assume a sexy woman is theirs for the taking? And why on earth was my dream turned into comfort? After I was raped, I was saved? It was all okay? There is a serious problem with our society that we have taken a sexual act that was meant as a simple means of procreation and turned it into a taboo of power, love, hate, sickness.

Now I know I should have never played the game, because I wasn't prepared. I let myself down thinking I was fine. I set myself up, because this is what we are told to do, find the most attractive and lure him in. I still remember his name and the song that was playing when we went to the back room. He probably doesn't even remember the night.

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