04 October, 2007

Blighted Ovum and the prayer of a lifetime....

Does anyone know what this is? Well I found out this past week. It seems that when reproductive cells meet, they split into two groups of cells. One group breaks off to form the amniotic sac and other supporting roles and the second group breaks off to form the baby. In this case, the cells that forms the baby really never get it together and therefor, nothing is growing inside the pregnancy. Your body will feel pregnant mostly, and you may even get to 12 weeks or so. However the baby set of cells is not very developed maybe to about 5 weeks max.

Two weeks ago, I was all set to go and see my baby's heartbeat on the monitor from the ultrasound, and as the technician tried to find something, she just couldn't. More tests, blood draws, ultrasounds all to arrive at the conclusion I was about to miscarry.

This past weekend was my son, V's, birthday party. I really wanted to focus on him and have his special day be special. As I tried to put the smile on, I found myself in labor, as my body tried to naturally expel this growth inside of me. After an hour, it dawned on me that my sore, very sore bottom, and heavy breathing was a sign of labor. The cramping came in waves and would dissipate.

The next day, I was scheduled for a D&C. Certainly I did not need one, after the pain and bleeding I experienced the day before. Well to my dismay, I found myself on the operating table, all hooked up to the latest in anesthesia, feeling groggy. I awoke a short 20 minutes later to find I was free of said growth and no longer expecting.

The entire experience left me feeling frustrated and angry at having to go through this expense and suffering. If I was not to be pregnant at this time, then send my period! Why have me go through this process after the year I have been having, just to prove a point that this year has been hell?

I was prostrate on a table, had my insides vacuumed out of all the toxic growth and now what? So I decide to leave this behind, move forward. I really I mean really really truly, want to move forward. I long for some peace and ease. I await the day when I am not scared to open the bills and then fret on how to pay them all. I long for the day that the boxes I live among are gone, because we have settled into a place of our own. I really really truly, want to be done with the pain and suffering.

My commitment this week is to release the anger I have inside of me. It has been building over time and it needs to be released. Please understand me, I do appreciate my blessings. In fact every day and night, I reflect on how much I do have in my favor and I am thankful. I also try very hard to put my intent towards purity and grace. It is hard, very hard when you are struggling on the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. How easy it is to live a life of purpose and grace when your basic needs are tended to. How easy it is to dispense advice and commentary when your sorrows are cared for. I wish to be in a such a place of ease and peace. I want to give back and even though I am in this place, I have tried very hard to be there for my friends, two of which accepted new jobs for their betterment. Many birthdays have gone by and I have sent well wishes and I continue to listen and hear, really hear my friends and their voice.

As this is who I am, and I do not do these things for a pat on the back. It is nice to know that in the midst of such personal pain, I am able to step outside of my situation and be there for a person in need and be appreciated. It is also gratifying to find that there are people in my life who are able to give back to me in my time of need, in the compassionate, caring way I respond to.

This has been one hell of a year, that I pray I never repeat. Whatever karmic lessons had to be learned and I know some of them, I certainly pray they are learned. I would not wish this on anyone. It is so hard to see the family support you relied on crumble through the smoke and mirrors. To make drastic changes of your lifestyle in support of a dream, you were falsely lead to believe, would be supported. To bare all to your in laws and let the truth of your family be known to them in shame, to find the stupidity of my faith in my parents and family be so blatant, to realize your financial security is gone and being homeless is only a month away and then to have a new life, full of faith, promise and hope scraped out of you and tossed in a garbage can.... well it is all too much.

We have no idea on where we will be in one month, two months or 10 months. We wait for the situation to change and pray we are able to maintain or at least keep the debtors at bay, until the financial situation changes.

Having 2 young boys to care for and protect, I feel as if this challenge is more critical. How do I make it safe for them and let them know that even though mommy cries more now, it is all okay? How do I give them that sense of security when I don't know where it is?

Well, I love them with all I've got and I try my best to smile each day and laugh real hard with them. I am giving it my all, I really pray there is no more, for fear I will break. This has to be the end of it. The suffering must stop. The financial situation needs to lift and correct itself and we will move on with our lives settling in so we can feel secure. I need this to all happen, not want, but need.

Universe, if you are there, I appreciate your challenges of strength and faith. I realize the curtains are all drawn back to allow the light to shine on the relationships in my life and the situations at hand. I see the truth and clarity before me. Thank you for strengthening the relationships in my life at present day. I cherish those who have really been there in a word, a call or a hug. Many have given selflessly and I truly truly cherish them.

I would like to move forward with peace and ease so I may build a foundation for my family. I would like to have a secure home that we can allow magic to run free and our creative hearts to swell. I ask for gifts from you that are easy to open and a delight to experience. I pray you hear this....

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