04 February, 2009


We are home, finally, the return to our Island Resort. There were many lessons learned on this recent trip to Ohio. As Ohio has been my home for the majority of my life...26 years, it will always have a stamp on my life. What I found interesting upon returning from this trip is how my life has evolved to include Florida.

I have suffered most of my life with the issue of living in the past or future. Most of my life, has been dealing with my past, while making grand plans for the kind of life I want to live. After all the reading, therapy and long talks with dear friends, I finally have come to a new chapter in my life called the PRESENT! I always knew this is where I needed to get to, but didn't really know how to do it, as we are a society that lives for the next agenda item. Possibly the last couple of years with family struggles, I came to a place of surrender. I am tired of fighting an uphill battle, waiting for tomorrow to bring a brighter future.

Our move to this Island Paradise, (I find that funny to say), has been a real departure from anything I would have considered a year ago. In order to make this move work, I was forced to let go of EVERY idea for my future and embrace what the present offered me. Hubbie and I did it, more so me. But the fact remains, we made significant changes to our previous lifestyle and figured out a way to live in this present moment. The boys also had some changes to adjust to. There are no more tubbies for them. This is one of the hardest to cope with. I have 2 nice big showers, but no bathtub. We let go of a garage and traded in for one single park space, and a very small 4'x2'x2' storage locker. We left our very efficient appliances in Ohio for others to use and care for, leaving me to deal with inefficient appliances that really don't offer the sort of choice I opt for. Not too mention the clothes are NEVER dry and I refuse to spend more money on 2 cycles of dry time.

However, in light of these inconveniences, we are together, safe, living in a gorgeous resort style environment with a beach as a playground. Not many people can say that. I also know that this is temporary. We will embark on another journey when the time is right. But for now, the boys have a playground of beaches and palm trees to dazzle them. What a treasure for their life to have. My children are 6 and 4. They have lived in 3 states, enjoyed deep snow, intense fall, refreshing spring and now an eternal summer. They have lived in 4 homes and realize that there are perks to each and every one. They understand change and I try very hard to teach them how to embrace it.

So this present HOME is a great place for us to be at this time in our lives. I learned this lesson upon returning.

Other lessons...

I Love my hubbie, intensely. He is a wonderful father and he provides for all our needs in so many ways. Learning of another friends frustrations with her husband, made me really look into my relationship to see what a treasure I have. I am thankful, grateful and blessed.

Family, a common theme in my lifelong lesson book, is what I make of it. I was given a gift and a curse as a child. The gift was a large, warm, jovial Italian Family that lived life fully, with tradition, festive foods and intense passion. My curse was that I was also given a childhood abuse story that doesn't fit any abuse story I have heard to date. I felt forced to live in my past, as I struggled to heal from wounds no child should ever have to endure. Over the years I have seen the demise or degeneration of my Italian Family. The younger generations are removed from the core elders and really don't understand the full meaning of what their heritage is. It saddens me as I try to recreate a matriarch for my boys. My heritage played a huge part in my survival as a child. I also find such beauty in my ancestry. This is a gift I want to pass on, but I can no longer rely on my extended family to help me, as my mother relied on her extended family to shape me.

No, my lesson learned is that I am a sole provider in many ways. I am a trailblazer, making healthy choices for a stronger more secure life. I am making those hard choices that go against the norm in order to preserve integrity. I will no longer go home for events because that is the "thing" I "should" do. I will go home on my terms to visit with those I choose to see and share time with.

This is a hard lesson to learn and it was a long time coming. As a mother, I take this honor seriously, in terms of providing the best possible environment for my boys. It is my duty to choose the settings in which they will learn and develop. I want to give my boys the best and I strive to work with hubbie to find what those options are.

Hopefully, I have turned a corner in my personal development in this human existence. I feel different, wiser, dare I admit?

I have come home and the healing waters of my birth sign are surrounding me with their blessings.

I am HOME.

1 comment:

Ally said...

What a wonderful post! I am so glad to hear the strength and acceptance in your voice.